5 Essential Cold Approach Lessons I Learned After 10 Years of Dating Experience
When I first started learning about cold approach, dating, and attraction, I went through different phases—overcoming my nice guy syndrome, developing flirting and conversation skills, and eventually understanding how to sustain both short-term and long-term relationships.
However, as my skills improved, I made the mistake of forgetting some of the most fundamental principles of attraction. Back when I started, it was difficult to find people talking about the basics—everything seemed advanced, and I had to figure things out through trial and error.
So whether you’re new to attraction or already experienced, I want to share five basic cold approach principles that I forgot along my journey—ones that will help you stay sharp and get better results in your dating life.
1. What’s Implied Creates Curiosity—What’s Stated Is Forgettable
One of the biggest lessons I learned is that implied attraction is far more powerful than direct compliments. Telling a woman outright that she’s beautiful might work with girls at or below your level of attractiveness, but if you want to date up, you need real game.
For example, instead of saying, “I thought you were cute and wanted to say hi,” I learned to weave attraction into the conversation playfully.
- If a girl asks where I’m from, I might say: “I’m from Denver. Have you ever been? Oh, you have? Nice. There are a lot of pretty girls there—I bet you fit right in.”
- If she says she’s from LA, I might respond: “LA? Of course, you are. Every cute girl I meet in Scottsdale is from LA.” Then, I’d follow up with a playful challenge: “So, Miss California, what makes you special?”
These remarks turn a transactional conversation into fun, flirty banter. Women love this kind of playful teasing—it sparks excitement and makes you stand out.
2. The Good Guy Persona Is the Most Attractive Persona
In a previous video, I discussed the difference between nice guys and good guys. Nice guys play it too safe and end up being boring, while jerks overcompensate and only attract low-quality women.
When I first got into cold approach, I made the mistake of shifting from the nice guy extreme to the cocky, arrogant extreme. And while that was better than being a pushover, it still didn’t attract high-quality, confident women.
The truth is, if you put out player or jerk vibes, women with real self-esteem won’t take you seriously. You might get a date, maybe even a hookup, but the women you truly want are looking for a good guy—someone exciting but also stable, dependable, and genuine.
3. Be the Flower, Not the Bee
There’s an old saying I love: “The flower doesn’t choose the bee. The flower blossoms, and the bee finds the flower.” In other words, your job is to demonstrate attractive qualities and let women pick you.
Too many guys smother the interaction by being in constant pursuit. Instead, you need to create space for her to choose you. Show interest, but don’t overdo it—find the balance between showing intent and letting her reciprocate.
4. Exit the Conversation at Its Peak
When you first start out with cold approach, it’s natural to feel nervous and linger in conversations too long. But the key is to exit on a high note.
Women rarely start flirting right away; you have to push through that initial apprehension. However, once you gain momentum, don’t overstay your welcome. Pay attention to nonverbal cues—if she’s maintaining eye contact and leaning in, you’re good. But if she starts looking around, at her phone, or her body shifts away, you’ve waited too long.
I found that most cold approach conversations should last between 3 to 10 minutes. If she’s engaged, keep going, but if she’s busy or with friends, make your move efficiently.
A great way to wrap things up is simply saying:
“Hey, so I have to run. I know we just met, but I really enjoyed talking to you. Can I see you again sometime?”
This is direct, confident, and disarming. Don’t waste time with weak exits like “Can I get your Instagram?” If you want to ask her out, then ask her out.
5. Don’t Let Cold Approach Take Over Your Social Life
As I got better at cold approach, I started doing it everywhere—but it began interfering with social experiences meant for fun with my friends. And let me tell you, it rubs people the wrong way when all you care about is meeting women.
Here’s something interesting: The guys who focus on enjoying themselves naturally attract more women.
If you and your buddy are standing at the bar scanning the room, women notice—and not in a good way. But if you and your friends are laughing, having a great time, and focused on each other, you automatically become more appealing.
So when you’re out, make sure your priority is having fun with your friends. Let meeting women be a secondary goal. Ironically, this mindset shift will make you more desirable in social settings.
Final Thoughts
These five principles transformed my dating life once I truly internalized them. If you want to improve your cold approach and attraction skills, remember:
- Implied attraction creates curiosity, while direct compliments are forgettable.
- The most attractive persona is the good guy—not the nice guy or the jerk.
- Be the flower, not the bee. Let women choose you.
- Exit conversations at their peak to leave a lasting impression.
- Don’t let cold approach take over your social life—have fun, and attraction will follow naturally.
Keep these lessons in mind, and you’ll see major improvements in your dating life. If this helped you, share your experiences in the comments below—I’d love to hear how these tips work for you!
