We’ve all heard it a million times. Communication is key in relationships.
Strong communication skills aren’t just important in your love life. They impact all aspects of life.
Communication skills will help you in your career, in your friendships, and even in your everyday interactions with strangers.
If you try to improve your communication skills, it will make an immeasurable positive impact on your life experience.
People will want to do more for you. They’ll think better of you and be more likely to help or invite you into their lives. Strong communication encourages a positive bond. It allows people to express themselves healthily.
If you haven’t already, make it a priority to become a skilled communicator.
Here’s a Modern Guide to Improving Relationship Communication.
Practice Emotional Intelligence
When emotions are high, take time to settle down and process the feelings of both you and your partner.
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions and to understand the emotions of people around you.
Beyond that, it’s the ability to figure out why you’re feeling the way you are and why someone else may be feeling a certain way.
I find it helpful to identify moments when I’m irritable or impatient and let my partner know. She does the same for me. This helps avoid a lot of fights, especially when you understand that your partner’s mood doesn’t always mean it’s about you.
Sometimes the stresses of life creep up and put us in a bad mood, and sometimes we just need to eat. Know the difference.
Avoid Nothing Fights
A nothing fight is when you get in an uneccesary argument over something stupid like what to eat for dinner, and it turns into a full blown fight.
Ask yourself: Why are your emotions high?
Are you hungry, hungover, or stressed from work? Or is this really a big deal?
Learn to take inventory of your general state of being before addressing conflict. Nothing is worse than getting in a fight because you’re tired and hungry.
Emotional Intelligence includes your ability to interpret your partner’s emotional state too.
What’s going on in their life?
If they’re on edge for external reasons outside the relationship, let them calm down before addressing conflict or unhealthy behavior. You’ll get much further by allowing people space and addressing conflict when things have cooled down.
Timing is everything.
Know What You Seek to Change
By finding the source of your negative emotions, you can identify what needs to be changed.
A big mistake people make is acting without intention.
This means you engage in conflict without a plan. If you’re addressing a point of conflict with someone, you should think through the conversation.
- How will you communicate what’s on your mind in a way that your partner can receive and understand?
- How will they respond?
- How can you make your point without insulting your partner?
- How can you deliver the truth as gracefully as possible?
Then ask yourself, are your expectations reasonable, or are you expecting perfection? Make sure that what you’re asking is realistic.
When people act with high emotion, they usually inflame things instead of finding a resolution.
Determine a Path to Your Desired Result
When you approach a subject of tension or conflict, ask yourself, how will you achieve the positive result you seek?
Can that result be achieved in one conversation?
Are you asking for a minor adjustment or addressing a major character flaw?
Maybe it’s something you plan to chip away at over time instead of bombarding your partner all at once. Sometimes dropping subtle hints is a better start than addressing something directly.
For example, if you think your partner has been living an unhealthy lifestyle, ask them join you in healthy activities. Suggest healthier food options.
If they push back, you can kindly suggest that they could be healthier. If they get defensive, you can apologize and drop it.
Chances are they’ll think about it internally and realize it later. That goes a lot better than bottling up your feelings until one day you break and tell them they’re fat.
Focus on Keeping Things Positive.
Ask yourself how you imagine the person will respond to what you have to say?
Do you expect a positive or negative reaction?
Focus on approaching things in a way that keeps the conversation positive and productive. Don’t get sucked into negativity.
By figuring out how the person will react, you can determine what kind of progress you expect to make.
Always take time to determine if your approach will exasperate the conflict or bring about a resolution.
Don’t be Trigger Happy
Patience is key. Don’t jump into fights guns blazing without allowing yourself to assess the situation.
- Is this the right time?
- Is this the right setting?
- Is it something that can wait?
If you’re at dinner with friends and your partner says something that rubs you the wrong way, do not address it in front of your peers.
In fact, don’t address it until much later in the night when you’ve had time to let your emotions settle. Not everything has to be addressed right away.
Never address conflict in front of others.
It demeans your partner, and it changes the perception others have of your relationship. It also puts them in a hyper-defensive position. Almost nothing good can come from this.
It’s normal for couples to fight, but it’s not normal to argue in front of others. You’re supposed to lift each other up and have each other’s backs, not make each other look bad.
Evaluate Your Partner’s Intentions
Early in our relationship, my wife showed me this quote. I found it to be profound:
“Being in a relationship is like dancing in a dark closet. The space is tight, and you can’t always see where you’re stepping, but you both want to dance with the best intentions. Don’t be mad at your partner for stepping on your toes on accident”.
The takeaway is that it takes time to learn about each other. If your partner has unintentionally done something to hurt you, don’t explode on them.
Process your feelings. Then communicate calmly and directly how their actions made you feel. Be prepared to accept a sincere apology, and don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
If you have reason to believe your partner’s intention was to hurt you, address it calmly and firmly. Let them know that their behavior was unacceptable.
Never beg for someone to treat you right. Remove yourself emotionally and let go of toxic relationships.
Practice Gratitude
Nothing does wonders for relationships (and life) like consistently practicing gratitude.
Be ever mindful of the things you appreciate in your significant other. Be grateful when all the big boxes are checked.
Practicing gratitude makes it much easier to keep things in perspective. Nobody is perfect, and it takes a long time to learn the inner workings of your partner’s mind, body, and heart.
Be grateful for what’s working, and be optimistic about how much better things will get as you learn about each other on a deeper level.
When you consistently express to people how grateful you are for the things they do, it inspires them to do more of the same.
Instead of berating your partner for the things you don’t like, take a more positive approach by encouraging more of the things you appreciate.
Don’t Sweat the Little Things
People are just people. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they’re going to be perfect.
If your partner is loyal, treats you right, and loves you deeply, don’t bust their chops because they didn’t clean the kitchen or forgot to grab something at the store.
Keep a healthy perspective on what’s truly important.
People ride each other for little things that aren’t that important. My wife and I might have different standards for cleanliness, but they’re close enough that I chose early in our relationship to let it go.
I always remind myself to build her up instead of pointing out every little thing she didn’t do the exact way I would’ve done it. Don’t be petty. People space things. It doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re important.
Again, if the major boxes are checked, don’t make a big deal about little things.
Check Your Ego at the Door
One of the biggest reasons men get into stupid fights is their over-inflated egos.
Signs your ego might be out of control:
- You must be right in every situation.
- You can’t admit when you’re wrong.
- You struggle to apologize without saying “but”.
- You don’t let the other person talk.
- You require constant praise, recognition, or attention.
- You get your feelings hurt too easily.
At all times, try to show empathy for your partner.
This is incredibly important for a successful relationship. When people have too big of an ego, they tend to only think about their perspective.
If this is you, make a concerted effort to embrace your partner’s perspective as much as possible.
You can have a healthy ego, but if you take every little thing as a personal attack, you’re doomed for failure. You can’t expect your partner to tip-toe around your sensitive feelings.
Conclusion
If you follow this guide, you will see an instant improvement in your relationships and love life.
Having positive intentions and a deliberate plan will go a long way when communicating with your partner.
Check your ego, process feelings before speaking, and always be empathetic before addressing conflict.
