The fastest way to ruin a good relationship is to succumb to your insecurities.
Everyone, and I mean everyone on planet Earth, is insecure about something. The thing that sets people apart is how they deal with them. There are negative ways and positive ways to address insecurities.
Overcoming lifelong insecurities takes real work, but there are a handful of powerful ways to improve how your insecurities impact your relationships.
Table of Contents
Find the Source of Your Insecurities
You can’t overcome your insecurities until you identify why you’re feeling insecure.
Why do you feel insecure? Is it something from within you that’s out of your partner’s control, or is it something they’ve done?
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is it trauma or betrayal from past relationships?
- Is it from your partner’s recent or past actions?
- Is it from the trauma you witnessed in your own family?
- Is it because of your own self-esteem or body image?
- Is it jealousy?
- Is it because of something you’ve done, and now you are deflecting on your partner?
- Is it all in your head? Have you spent too much time on social media or watching reality TV?
- Is it because of infidelity you saw someone else experience?
- Is it because of low self-esteem?
Address It Directly with Your Partner
Why would you waste time letting something like insecurity poison a healthy relationship?
Think through your feelings and find a healthy way to discuss them with your partner. If you haven’t already, read my article A Modern Guide to Improving Relationship Communication (2023)
The best way is to be straightforward and direct with your insecurities. This allows your partner to reassure you, which is an important first step.
Every situation is different, but at the very least, give your partner a chance to share their perspective and provide you some peace. Chances are that they care about you and want to help you overcome internal insecurities.
Set Reasonable Expectations
Make sure you’re not setting your partner up for failure.
It’s unfair to ask the impossible, and asking someone to change their life to accommodate your insecurities is not okay.
What’s your partner’s schedule like? Are they busy? You can’t be with a motivated, successful person and expect to have them to be available every night for dinner and a movie.
Does your partner enjoy nights out with friends? Give them their space! Kindly ask them to let you know their plan and timeline so you two can find time for each other.
Don’t let someone’s busy schedule make you feel insecure about your relationship. In fact, if your partner is busy hustling to improve their life, you should encourage them. The relationship should be complimentary. It will backfire if you’re dragging your partner down with nagging and needing constant updates on exactly what they’re doing.
If your partner has wronged you in the past, you have two options. Forgive and move forward in a healthy way or move on from the relationship.
When you give someone a second chance, give them a REAL chance. Otherwise, the relationship will die a slow and painful death.
Never Ask Questions You Don’t Want to Know the Answer to
We all did this when we were younger, but you eventually must grow out of this.
Everyone has a past, but people grow up and mature. People learn from their mistakes. People change for the better, and don’t let anyone tell you differently!
Don’t ask your partner stupid questions such as:
- How many people have you slept with?
- Do you think I’m better looking than your ex?
- What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done with someone else?
- Do I have the biggest d**k you’ve ever seen?
These kinds of questions will make you see your partner in a negative light, and it’s none of your business! Besides, how do you expect them to answer? There’s absolutely nothing to gain from these types of questions.
A real story from my life:
Before meeting my wife, I had hooked up with a few coworkers. I had been with the company a while, and these things happen. One year I brought her to the company Christmas party, and she asked if I’d slept with any of the girls that worked there.
I looked at my wife and said, “I’d never lie to you. Yes, I have, but why does that matter? I’m with you, not them, and I love you deeply. You have no reason to worry about my past flings. I think it’s better that we trust each other and not ask each other questions to which we don’t want to know the answers.”
My wife agreed and appreciated my directness. She admitted I was right and that it’s better to leave the past in the past. She never asked me anything like that again, and I’ve never asked her.
Believe in Your Partner’s Good Intentions
Don’t manifest a negative reality by embracing negative thoughts.
When you constantly think about all the terrible things your partner could be doing or thinking, it shows through your body language and communication.
Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions. After enough time, you’ll slowly push your partner away.
Try this instead.
Think about all the nice things they’ve ever said or done. Practice gratitude for them and all their best qualities. Daydream about a wonderful and healthy relationship. Approach each new day with positivity and love.
Keep things light and fun. Please don’t ask questions trying to lead them into a trap. Ask questions of genuine interest. Focus on laughter and joy.
And as you do all these things, know that you’re naturally motivating your partner to reciprocate by acting more positively. And remember, we’re all humans. Just because your partner steps on your toes doesn’t mean they intend to.
Have Self-Respect
Respect yourself enough not to become a crazy person.
Embrace yourself and remind yourself of the value you bring. Don’t live in a place of feeling
unworthy.
If your partner has done something that makes you feel bad, address it directly. Set boundaries and don’t budge on them.
Once you’ve voiced your feelings, come to a fair agreement with your partner and move on. If your partner has reassured you that you are safe with them, give them the benefit of the doubt.
If your requests are reasonable, but your partner refuses to meet those requests, respect yourself and be okay with letting go of a toxic relationship. Staying in an unhealthy relationship will only make your insecurities worse!
