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First, some words of encouragement.
If you can make it through a long-distance relationship, you can make it through anything. It can help you appreciate being together more when the distance is closed.
Now for the hard part.
Long-distance relationships are never ideal, and sustaining a healthy long-term relationship is already challenging enough.
To have a successful long-distance relationship, you need to have a plan.
I’m speaking from personal experience on this one.
When my wife and I met, we were both on vacation in Las Vegas. By a stroke of fate, we left the same day club at the same time. Her friends stayed behind, and so had mine, so we were both walking to our hotels by ourselves.
When I saw her while waiting for the light to turn, I knew I had to say hi. What followed was a fascinating conversation for 30 minutes as we walked down the strip toward our hotels. We met up later that night and instantly sparked a special connection.
When we got home from Vegas, we talked on the phone and booked her a flight to visit. It only took two visits back and forth before we knew we wanted to be in a long-term relationship.
We started our new long-distance relationship, and we knew it would be a challenge, but we both wanted to make it work. Fast forward 9 months, and we moved in together. 4 years later, we were married.
I share all this to say that it can be done!
Below are some of the key principles that helped us make it. Looking back, I’m glad we had a portion of our relationship that was long distance because once we were able to live together, we never took it for granted!
Avoid Nothing Fights
Nothing fights are the stupid fights that stem from unimportant little things and then blow up into something bigger.
Try to be aware of your feelings throughout the day and pay attention to your partner’s emotions. Rough patches are expected, and the honeymoon phase ends much quicker when the distance becomes a factor.
When we’re in person, it’s much easier to pick up on the little queues our partner will give to let us know they’re not in a great mood. Distance makes it challenging to identify those situations. You can unintentionally get on each other’s nerves if you don’t pay attention.
The primary goal here is to avoid fighting at all costs.
Focus on healthy conflict resolution.
Fighting is much worse when you’re away, and so many fights can be avoided by knowing when to take a breather. Find a way to let your partner know when things are escalating unnecessarily.
Sometimes we would start getting on each other’s nerves for no reason, and when that would happen, we would nip it in the bud. We’d suggest taking a break from the phone call and reconnecting later in the day.
99% of the time, all we needed was an hour or two, and then we’d start to feel bad about being moody with each other. We’d get back on the phone, apologize, and instantly get back to loving each other again.
Try not to make a big deal out of little things. It’s usually worth letting something go instead of turning it into a big fight. This is something all successful couples know.
Fall Asleep Together on FaceTime
This can be a game changer.
At the end of the day, prop your phones up on the nightstand next to the bed so you can see each other while lying down. Talk to each other as you get ready to fall asleep.
Once you’re ready to sleep, leave the FaceTime on and the phone propped up. It’s almost like being in the same bed together. You can even talk as you fall asleep.
The best part is that you’re still right there with each other when you wake up in the morning.
We would do this when we were long-distance, and I would usually hear my wife moving as she woke up. That would wake me up, and we’d start the day together. It was amazing!
Read: A Modern Guide to Improving Relationship Communication (2023)
Never Break the Trust
Trusting someone is much more complicated when they’re a thousand miles away.
Never give your partner any reason not to trust you. Keep them updated on your plans. Respond quickly to texts and calls and let them know when you won’t be available.
This is no time for the traditional dating games you play with a local fling.**BOLD
The easier it is to trust each other, the easier it is to keep things smooth and enjoyable.
When one of us had plans to go out with friends, we’d call each other first and catch up. We’d let each other know our timeline for the night and where we were going. When we got home, we always called or texted each other. Usually, we’d FaceTime right when we walked in the door.
We had a lot of conversations early on about how we’d been hurt in past relationships and what we needed from each other to feel confident that our partner was doing right by us.
The point is the better you communicate, the easier it is to trust each other.
All it takes is one “I’m going out with my friends” and then not responding to your partner the rest of the night to make them feel slighted. When your partner is a thousand miles away, it’s essential to let them know you’re home safe and not with anybody else.
This might seem like overkill under normal circumstances. Still, it’s only a little extra effort to give the person you love peace of mind.
Plan Time for Each Other
Alone time is essential, so schedule dates together!
When my wife and I were long-distance, we went out of our way to stay in and hang out all night over FacTtime.
Schedule fun activities. Eat dinner or watch movies together. Call on FaceTime and hop on Netflix together. Scan through movies and pick one together. Leave the FaceTime going while you watch the movie and pause to talk about what’s going on.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it will start to feel like you’re there together.
We used to prop our phones up in the kitchen while we cooked dinner. You don’t always need to be talking, either. Just pretend you’re in the same room and talk at your leisure. Spending time together is so critical, even if it’s through a phone.
Always Call Each Other to Say Good Morning and Goodnight
There was rarely a morning when we wouldn’t start the day by calling each other, even if it was only for a minute.
Just hearing each other’s voices to start the day works miracles. It’s as close as it gets to waking up next to each other.
The same thing goes for the evenings. Never go to sleep without calling each other. If you’re out and your partner is going to bed early, step aside and give them a quick call to say goodnight and I love you.
This simple gesture lets your person know how important they are and that you care enough to hear their voice one last time before they go to sleep.
Believe You Both Want to Make it Work
It’s important to remember why you embarked on this journey in the first place.
Long distance is hard. There’s no way around it. There will be good days and down days, but you must constantly remind yourself (and your partner) how much you care.
Trust that your partner is just as invested as you are. Trust that they want to see this through. Remind yourself of all the things that made you fall for each other in the first place. Don’t let negative emotion creep in.
Always focus on a positive outcome and believe in each other!
Never Go More Than 4 Weeks Apart
Being in a long-distance relationship can get expensive, but you got to want it.
You must be willing to make sacrifices. This means budgeting to see each other as often as possible. That might mean less eating out and nights out with friends. Whatever it is, it’s worth it to see your person more often.
My wife and I would pick one weekend a month to see each other and take turns flying out. The longest we went was 5 weeks, and we regretted it. By the end of 5 weeks, your heart is hurting. If you can keep it to 3 weeks between visits, that’s ideal.
One of the silver linings of being long-distance was all the new experiences we shared together. We had so much fun visiting and exploring each other’s cities together.
Get a credit card with a decent airline like Southwest. Make sure you take advantage of a promotion that gets you a bunch of points or miles for signing up. Ask your friends with airline credit cards for a referral so they can get some points too.
Getting the airline credit card points afforded us 2 round trips each. It covered our flights back and forth for four months. This was a huge help.
Send Small Gifts as Often as Possible
When we lack physical touch, we must find other ways to stimulate that emotional connection.
In between visits, try to surprise each other with small gifts.
What’s important is the gesture, not the gift itself. It can be something cheap and fun, or it can be a box of chocolates.
It’s a great way to break up the time between visits and let your person know you’re thinking about them.
Talk About Everything
Effective communication is crucial when it comes to long-distance relationships.
All enduring relationships need open communication. One of the silver linings to long distance is that it gives you a chance to connect on such a deep level intellectually and emotionally. You have nothing but time, so you can talk about everything!
Share stories and past experiences. Ask deep questions. Talk about world events. Brainstorm your goals and future together.
Think of fun topics or questions to ask your partner the next time you talk. Make a game out of it. Come up with questionnaires that push the boundaries of your everyday conversations.
My wife and I spent countless hours talking, which played a key role in our long-term success.
Have a Timeline to Close the Distance
Before going long-distance, have a timeline for when you’ll be back together again.
It’s hard to keep your head in the game when it feels like the distance will last forever. Of course, plans can change, but always having an endpoint in mind will help keep things strong.
People’s lives always go differently than planned. Sharing personal goals and aspirations early on will help forge a long-lasting relationship.
The last thing you want is to get months into a long-distance relationship to find out you’re on two different pages.
For most of us, it will never feel like the right time to take a leap of faith. Show each other mutual respect and have an open mind about closing the distance.
Talk about the next step. What are your partner’s needs in a new home or living situation?
When my wife and I met, I owned a business, and there was no way I could move to her city. She felt like she could never leave either.
These were difficult times, but I spent a lot of time learning about her doubts and finding positive ways to address them. Try not to let fear and doubt creep in. Keep things moving in the right direction.
